Here at Nachonomics we try and keep things pretty PG-13 to cater to the family friendly audience as they eat nachos around the dinner table at night after saying grace. This review is not for them. No, thanks to Takis Blue Heat, in this review we are going to get pretty spicy. Consider yourself warned.
Alright mothers and fathers, now that you’ve covered your impressionable children’s eyes, time for the straight dope…
The fuck is this bullshit?
EVERYONE knows that blue is universally the color of cold, and red the color of hot, so how does the Grupo Bimbo (Known as BIMBO on the Mexican Stock Exchange) get away with this horseshit? Takis, based on a takeoff of the word “Taquito”, were invented in the year 1999, and, unlike the Killer Bees we’ve been warned about for years, arrived in the US in 2004. To quote Wikipedia, “Barcel, the owner of Takis, originally intended to aim it towards the Hispanic demographic of the snack market, but its popularity has quickly spread among teens of all ethnic backgrounds.” Featuring flavors such as “Angry Burger”, “Cobra”, “Lava”, “Rock”, and “Titan”, you might be surprised that anyone other than teenagers would eat these (especially with the (probably racist) warnings about how these MEXICAN chips might cause ulcers and cancer) but that’s not necessarily their only audience, as you will find below.
None of the above tells you about what these bad boys actually taste like, so I will. Obviously nobody in their right mind would consider eating something of this color (this coming from someone who drank a bottle of Flamin’ Hot Mountain Dew) and thusly I needed to get myself in a state of not right mind. I’ll let you use your imagination as to how that was achieved…
Also an acceptable beverage if you are not in a right state of mind.
So surprise surprise, when you are under the influence of something that makes you incredibly hungry, these aren’t that bad, which leads me to believe that for a normal individual they are fine. Imagine a spicy chip and you’ve got the idea. What you might not imagine is that these chips are actually somewhat spicy! Not just spicy-for-a-US-audience either, they’ve got a surprisingly good heat to them. I’m not going to go crazy and say they’re as spicy as a the previously reviewed Paqui Haunted Ghost Pepper Chips, but certainly moreso than anything I’ve had labeled as “Flamin’ Hot”, including the “XXTRA Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos” that claims to be twice as hot as regular “Flamin’ Hot” I guess. Also, having to list them as “Crunchy Cheetos” would imply the existence of “Soggy Cheetos”, which you know I’d like to try.
But to answer what you’ve all been wondering, these are very blue. VERY blue. Well, let’s just say it’s blue all the way through if you know what I mean. And what I mean is that you’re going to be shitting cyan until they’re totally out of your system. Also, they’re blue enough that even after a good teeth brushing they’ll leave your tongue and mouth as blue as a warlock of Quarth, or someone experiencing Burton’s Lines from lead poisoning. Certainly don’t have these before picture day or your wedding.
Thanks Answers With Joe for this, and you’re welcome readers for me including a drawing of Burton’s Lines and not an actual picture of a jacked up mouth.
In closing I leave you with a quote from the Canadian Takis website, cleverly named “Don’t Eat Takis” in order to trick you into eating Takis. Keep in mind that Blue Heat flavor (or flavour as it’s known up there) has not yet made it to the Great White North, but when asked if their Fuego, Outlaw, or Xplosion varieties have artificial flavours or colours their response works just as well if describing a Blue Heat chip. “Tortilla chips are naturally Bright Green, Candy Apple Red, and Super Orange, said NO ONE EVER, but imagine if they were though.” Just imagine folks, just imagine…